So Why Bother?

A few days ago, I was lying in bed just thinking about life. Thinking about what I chose to do with it, what I do differently from the majority of people out there, what I'm trying to work on both internally and externally. This one thought eeked its way into my head.

"Why do you even bother?"

I stopped and listened to that question. It felt like up until then, everything had been floating in bliss, searching their way through the ether of the universe and boosting me along. Then, the question popped into my head and it all dropped to the ground. Why do I bother being a vegetarian when almost everyone I know could care less, "likes meat too much," or thinks I'm a picky eater? Why do I bother with this spiritual journey, learning to be more mindful, and being more at peace with myself and others when they're all hollering at me and using me as target practice for their own misery? Why bother loving? It can fucking hurt sometimes. Why bother being there for people when you find yourself completely alone when you need company the most?

Why bother? What is my reason? This wasn't supposed to be easy. If it were, then everyone would be enlightened Buddhas stepping lightly around with a half-smile plastered across their faces. All of our gazes would be eternally soft as we live our lives in semi-meditation mode. Instead, we're stalking around with a scowl, bleating at people, and hurting our environment. 

There are philosophies meant to keep everything in focus such as Great Law of the Iroquois which implores you to think seven generations ahead for every action and decision you make. It's kind of scary to think that what you do right now can hold a lasting impact for the next 140 years. It certainly makes me feel better about the eco-friendliness of my vegetarian lifestyle. However, how does my spiritual growth right now affect any of these next seven generation? 

Granted, it can help make my life more bearable for my short time on Earth, but how important is it really? We're just tiny ants with heavy burdens on our backs and eventually we're going to get stepped on and disappear. I know it sounds depressing, but that's exactly where my thoughts wandered. And I know some of you are probably saying that mindfulness is all about not letting your mind wander down paths such as these. But my problem was, I needed to know. I needed to know why. Am I so important that I must be enlightened? Why do I deserve that? Why does it matter?

The only answer I could come up with was that it was just right to do. It's the right thing. Loving people even though I get hurt? They needed that love and I was the one to give it to them despite whatever happens. Being there for people? I can't not be there for them. I can feel their pain almost as purely as they do and all I want is to give them what I would want if I were in their situation. There aren't any other options.

So why do I bother? Because there are no other options. Selfishness isn't an option. Hiding isn't an option. Pain and suffering is a part of life and in a way, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing. The least I can do is leave a trail of good where I go.

Notes on "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hanh

My boyfriend gave me this book to read when he felt I needed it most. He was right. I needed it more than I thought. 

As I was reading it, quite a few quotes and phrases stood out so I thought I write them down. Maybe I was hoping that it would help ingrain them in my mind or that I'd have the sense to go back to it one day when I needed it again. Either way, I want to share them with you. 

Some of this are direct quotes and others are just paraphrases and interpretations of my own.

• "Peace is in the present."
• Smile. When you wake up, go through your day, and get ready to sleep. Always smile.
• Think less. It allows us to let go of the sorrows of the past and the worries of the future. A significant amount of our thinking is an inefficient use of our energy.
• Our senses are our windows. Opening them allows the whatever it is on the outside to come in and permeate us. Be mindful of what you choose to open your windows to.
• Breathe mindfully wherever you are. "I am breathing in. I am breathing out."
• You may move during sitting meditation as long as you do it slowly and attentively. This made me cheer, no more uncomfortable sleeping leg syndrome!
• Meditation is not an escape from your problems.
• Eat mindfully.
• "Walk as if your feet are kissing the earth."
• Wherever you go, there you are.
• Drive consciously. Let each red light be a "bell" of mindfulness.
• De-compartmentalize. Separation and avoidance causes distress and negative energy.
• Coordinate your movements with your breath to feel less tired and increase awareness of your body and surroundings.
• "Don't just do something, sit there!" 
• Pragmatism, looking things with the intent of gaining something, inhibits your mindfulness. 
• Art is acting in the moment.
• Hope is an obstacle. Spend all your energy looking to the future, and you cannot be in the present.
• "Simple practices like conscious breathing and smiling are very important. They can change our civilization."
• Don't be angry at your anger. Then, you'll have two angers to worry about. 
• Transform, do not let go or remove, the negative into a positive. Like anger into understanding.
• The seeds of negativity must be addressed and transformed into positivity before you can confront the person who sowed them.
• ""Suchness, the essence of particular characteristics of a thing or person, its true nature." Once you understand the suchness of a person, you can live peacefully and happily with that person."
• "Most of us are victims of a kind of living that is not mindful."
• "When we look at your parents with compassion, often we see that our parents are only victims who never had the chance to practice mindfulness."
• Every seed of negative or positive emotion manifests more seeds. Anger produces more anger. Joy creates more joy.
• "Each one of us needs a reserve of seeds that are beautiful, healthy, and strong enough to help us during difficult moments."
• If you have a friend or loved one who makes you happy and feel better, invite her up into your consciousness and "breathe together."
• We always focus on what is wrong when we should take the time to ask "What is not wrong?"
• "We cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her."
• "Anyone who made us suffer is undoubtedly suffering too."
• Thoughts manifest words and actions. Having love in your heart brings about miracles through thoughts, and consequentially, words and actions.
• Hugging meditation: Take a deep breath in and out to bring yourself to the present in the moment before a hug. While hugging, consciously breathe in and out three times. Your mindset with transform and your hug with take on a deeper, more powerful meaning.
• Friends and community are investments in finding comfort in difficult times and having those with whom to share joy and happiness.
• "Real strength is not in power, money, or weapons, but in deep, inner peace."
• "The forests are our lungs outside of our bodies, just as the sun is our heart outside of our bodies." We must have "both" bodies to find our true self.
• "Because we are so distant from our Mother Earth, we become sick."
• If we seek peace, can we find it through loving, peaceful words?
• "If we cannot smile, we cannot help other people smile."
• "Peace is based on respect for life. Not only do we have to respect the lives of human beings, but we have to respect the lives of animals, vegetables, and minerals."
• "I am your brother. I am your sister. We are all humankind, and our life is one."
• Sometimes, we don't intend to hurt, but in lacking mindfulness and the skill of compassion, we can say hurtful words. Mindfulness helps us speak in a way that is loving and kind.
• "When you see in yourself the wish that the other person stop suffering, that is a sign of real love."
• What you are looking for is already in yourself. The clouds and river are one. You and your enemy are one. We are inter-being with each other, the world, and everything within. There is nothing to chase after.

Did any of these stand out to you? The bolded words and phrases were the one that struck me the most out of all my notes. They are either things that I adored or that I needed to become more mindful of. This is, by no means, a "Cliff's Note" of Peace is Every Step. If you have the chance to read it, do it, you'll be grateful you did.

Yoga, Confessions, and Marilyn.

Yoga, yoga, yoga has been on my mind and rightly so. I guess I might as well just put it out there, I'm going to train to be a yoga instructor this year. If all goes well, by December, I'll be a real, bona fide yoga teacher (with a job, hopefully.) I'm super-excited and have yet to shut up about it. You'd think I'm already an instructor now, the way I talk.

Lest I get ahead of myself, I need to make one tiny little confession. While I'm a huge yoga fanatic, (I will tell you that yoga is the answer to all your problems. Then, I'll trap you until you admit that "yes, yes, yoga will solve your problems." Sorry about leaving my fingerprinted red marks on your wrist, but hey! There's a yoga move that can help that!) I've been to only a handful of actual yoga classes.

Gasp! Sacrilege!

Yeah, I know. It's terrible. It's practically hypocritical, but Hulu and YouTube are free and actual classes... are not. Besides, it's a little bit nerve-wracking to face going into a class and confronting all these yoga snobs. Damn yoga snobs. And here I am, planning to teach 'em. What's wrong with me? My logic is screwed up. (I can sense my boyfriend agreeing. Shh.) Anyway, I decided to go to one at my local Rec Center last week and boy, that was an interesting experience.

I got there just before class began and everyone was all set up in a dim, eerily quiet room. Of course, just as I walked in, I realized I completely forgot my yoga mat. Facepalm moment. Could I have looked any more like a yoga newbie? Once I got all set up, the class began. It was led by an older Indian man which made me all giddy. A yoga session led by a man who hailed from the birthplace of it all? Yes! Sadly, I was disappointed. Though it was really nice that he demonstrated each asana along with us, they were very watered-down and simple. This wasn't a beginner's class, mind you, but I was hoping to learn a new vinyasa or asana or something. 

Then, we began a downward dog sequence. I was so worked up (read: embarrassed) from the whole yoga mat fiasco that my palms started to sweat. Needless to say, the 8 (eight!) downward dogs were excruciating. My hands would slide forward at 50 mph each time and nothing I did fixed it. I wiped my hands on my pants over and over again, I turned my mat around, I flipped it, nothing... worked. And all the while, I'm trying, and failing, to not create a ruckus. I was so ready to bail. Finally, they were over and we moved on. The relief was so great that my palms dried out, instantly. Awesome.

Luckily, for every bad, there is a good. I spoke with the instructor afterwards and he complimented my form. Yes! Score one for Beatrice.

It goes to show you that it doesn't matter if you're really experienced or a complete newbie, you're going to have some crazy moments in a yoga session. I've learned you just embrace it and move on. And bring chalk for your hands if you're me.

Also, another random and very cool yoga fact, Marilyn Monroe was also a yoga fanatic. There exists a collection of about 21 photos of Miss Monroe in various asanas, some are actual while others are clearly beauty poses but positioned in such a way that it's obvious she is experienced in yoga training. As always, she is absolutely gorgeous. Check them out here: Marilyn Monroe Does Yoga.

Did you have an embarrassing moment or a funny story about a yoga class? Share them below!

Pragmatism

So here I am, trying to navigate this freaky, slightly murky (okay, very murky) path through this whole spiritual rebirth journey whatchamacallit thing. I am working on coming to terms with my om-ing New Agey self. I mean, I just told a friend to start meditating. I never thought in a million years I'd be saying that with a straight face. And yet, here I am, charting my chakras and reading books by a Zen monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. I guess when you open your mind, you never really know what the heck is going to happen next.

Unfortunately, I'm setting myself up to fail. This is a tiny little conversation in Peace is Every Step, a book by the aforementioned Thich Nhat Hanh, that caught my attention:

[A]n artist asked me, "What is the way to look at a flower so that I can make the most of it for my art?" I said, "If you look in that way, you cannot be in touch with the flower. Abandon all your projects so you can be with the flower with no intention of exploiting it or getting something from it."

I literally heard sirens in my head yelling, "Pay attention! Pay attention!" and had to reread it a few more times. While thinking about it, I realized I was doing it all wrong. That is, I was doing life all wrong. An intention is assigned to nearly everything I do, experience, or want in life. Nearly, because here are few things that have no ulterior motive: like loving people. I love my boyfriend, my family, and my friends all in specific ways and for no reason other than just to love them. Of course, I'd like to be loved back and I'm sure I am but I'm not going to tell them how much I want or how I'd like it. I just let it happen. It's easy for me to do. I don't know why. I haven't been hurt so perhaps that's why I can love in such a blind and simple way.

But when I do yoga or go for a walk outside, I'm looking for the benefits- flatter abs or to be all skinny and pretty. Why can't I just go for a walk? Must there be a reason? I kept catching myself at various points in Peace is Every Step thinking, "Oh, I should definitely write a blog for that. And that. And that." and I had to remind myself, I'm reading this for me, not for some internet fodder. When I try to meditate, I go in thinking, "How is this going to make me better?" or "How is this going to cure what ails me." and nearly every time, I emerge frustrated. No wonder it hasn't been working for me. 

Hidden agendas pretty much never end well. I've seen people, myself included, taken advantage of. Friends and loved ones get hurt. Things don't work out. Nobody is happy in the end. When I do a yoga session and I don't achieve what I expect, I'm not thrilled and that affects me for the rest of the day. Instead, I could've just have been enjoying my session, being grateful my body can even move and do what I ask of it. Those little things would've put me in a good mood for the rest of the day, but instead, I'm irritated because I didn't meet the standard I set. 

I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my journey. There is an end goal, and it's not wrong to have. After all, I need a direction in which to focus myself and my energy. But I also need to let go of all my expectations and my intentions and just let the journey take me where it will. Inner peace will never be achieved if I'm constantly disappointing myself and losing sight of my real goal. My goal not to be skinny and pretty (though that'd be nice) and it's not to have something to write about on this blog (though I'll keep doing that,) but it's to finally accept myself and live in harmony with my spirit, the earth, and the people on it.

Spiritual Rebirth

I'm crazy.

There. I've said it. It's out there.

We're all crazy inside. Each one of us has a neurosis. Just look deep in those dusty corners of the brain. Pull away the cobwebs and confront those scary thoughts that have embedded themselves into the squishy grey matter. These are our roots. Our deepest flaws we'd rather hide away; the reason why we're not merely the sum of our parts. They drive us or hold us back.

We're scared of them. That's why we bury them away and hope that no one notices. Some of us succeed, some of us do not. Though calling a well hidden neurosis a success depends on the perspective. For the one fearing exposure, it could be considered success. For the one who recognizes it for its destructive nature, hiding it well isn't success. Instead, it upsets life.

The way I see it, you can't clean a closet until you get in there deep and let everything inside see the bright, harsh daylight. You can't purge until you can decide what's good and what's bad. And you certainly can't organize and fill up the closet with what you need if all that junk is taking up space. 

There has been a series of events that have happened over the past couple of months that are serving as a giant mallet to the head. A sort of like "Hello, this is your life knocking on your door waiting to ask what the fuck is wrong with you?" and I've been barricading that door because, well, it's scary. No one wants to have to explain themselves, and imagine trying to explain yourself to yourself. Not only that, but you have to explain yourself without blaming anyone. 

I've done many terrible things. I've used and hurt people. I've been selfish and mean and I've let my crazy thoughts take over. I managed to get away with it, hiding things and bullshitting people. Not to mention, all the bad decisions I've chosen. Then, I met someone who pretty much saw right through me. I was completely exposed with nowhere to hide. In my pursuit to run away from myself, I ran smack dab into a glass wall and I've broken my nose, my arms, my body, and most of all, my spirit. And now I have to heal myself. 

Suddenly, I'm seeing a million and one signs all pointing the way. All telling me "heal yourself from the inside out," which is a much nicer way of saying "get your shit together" (which was actually my real message, ha!) I believe everything happens for a reason. The people we meet, the places we go, the decisions we make and everything that happens after; it's all for a very specific purpose.

It's time for me to clean out my closet. I have to confront my hidden neurosis and expose it so I can eliminate it. I need to learn to be more mindful of myself and all that exists around me. Peace won't exist until I've made peace with my inner self. This realization marks the first step towards my journey towards my spiritual rebirth.

I have so much to learn and I barely know where or how to begin. Research, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, healing chakras, whatever. There's so much and it can be overwhelming. But I believe I can do it and I'd like you to join me while I learn and fail (many, many times, I'm sure) and grow.

Great, now that I've told you, I have no excuse not to go on with it. Here goes!

Morningstar Grillers Chili and a Yogurt, Honey, Nutmeg Mask

Two recipes today! I'm sorry, no photos right now because I'm lame like that. While I read tons of food blogs with gorgeous, mouth-watering pictures of their recipes, I am absolutely terrible (and lazy) at construction the perfect photographic set-up for the meals that I make. However, I will be making the chili again so I'll try to remember to take a picture and update this post with it.

Anywhoo. The recipes are for a really simple but pretty freaking yummy chili using Morningstar Grillers and a riff on the nutmeg and milk microdermabrasion I wrote about in my previous post. While I really liked the results of the microdermabrasion, it bothered me how runny it was. I would have to do it in the shower and it made such a huge mess. You ain't lived until you've nearly slipped and died on milk and nutmeg all over the bottom of your bathtub. Besides, picking nutmeg out of your hairline gets annoying after a while. 

So the solution was to create a more mask-like concoction. I came up with this when I went to go wash my face with honey one night and thought, "What would happen if I mixed yogurt, honey, and nutmeg together?" The answer? Magic. Yes, magic happens. I'm not lying. It turned into a face cleanser/scrub/mask that creates magically clear, smooth, soft skin. 

The thing is, most people don't realize that dry, flaky skin can benefit from a good hearty scrub rather than a super-moisturizing mask. When my forehead was going all, "I hate you, I hate life, zits, zits, zits," this mask calmed it right down. "Hey there boy, relax a bit."

So here's the recipe for the magical, and apparently talking, mask.

Yogurt, Honey, and Nutmeg Mask

1 tbsp yogurt

1/2 tbsp honey

1/2 tbsp ground nutmeg

Add to bowl and mix together very well. Apply to a dry, makeup-free face using gentle circular motions. Leave on for 5 minutes or more. Rinse off with warm water. Apply moisturizer if necessary. (I use olive oil.)

And onto the recipe of the edible kind...

Grillers and Red Bean Chili

makes 4 - 6 servings.

1 onion, diced

1 tbsp tomato paste

3 cloves garlic, minced (more or less to your preference)

32 oz. can fire-roasted diced tomatoes (I use Muir Glen)

15.5 oz. can fire-roasted crushed tomatoes (Muir Glen also)

2 tbsp chili powder

1/2 tsp cumin

pinch cayenne powder

Salt to taste

1 bag Morningstar Grillers

1 big can red kidney beans

Optional garnishes: chives, cilantro, parsley, chopped avocados

In a dutch oven or heavy pot, saute the onions in olive oil until soft and translucent. Add the tomato paste and garlic and cook for about 30 seconds more. Then, pour in the two cans of tomatoes and bring to a boil. Lower to a simmer and season with chili powder, cumin, cayenne powder, and salt to your taste. Simmer partially covered for about 20 minutes or longer if desired. Add the Grillers and beans (as much beans as you like) and cook until warmed through. Garnish and serve!

I served it with elbow macaroni which was what Guitar Boy requested. It's called chili mac? Eh. It's not really my thing. I've only ever really eaten it by itself with a hunk of crusty bread. But you can serve it however you like. A note on Morningstar Grillers: I try not to use faux meat a lot but when Guitar Boy gets those pleading sad puppy eyes, I can't say no. However, it's my philosophy that when I gave up meat, there's no reason why I should try to revisit it in faux form, you know?

Can you believe Christmas is almost here? My Christmas spirit has not yet shown its spangly red and green head, but I think it's because we completely slacked on getting a tree. Holiday fail, I know. There are certain people in my life who will be aghast to find this out... In any case, Happy Merry Christmahanukwanzicah! 

Face Mapping and Nutmeg Dermabraison

Hello there. Winter is coming here. Though it doesn't really feel like it. For as much as I hate snow and winter, if it's going to be this cold and gloomy, it might as well snow. Might as well make it all pretty-like, you know? I'm tired of looking at the corpses of stray dead leaves over my lawn and being paranoid if my yard has gotten too unruly for the neighborhood. At least with a dusting of snow, it can look like a tiny vignette inside of a snow globe and I'll just bitch about the finger-biting cold and not about the finger-biting cold and the drab scenery.

Anyway, rant aside, I wanted to discuss the other fun part of winter: dry skin. My skin pretty much feels like all the moisture has been zapped out of it. My face especially. It's look ashy, a bit puffy, and I'm finding flaky dry spots here and there. Pimples have come out full force all across my forehead so I'm going to have to figure out what to do there. 

By the way, is anyone familiar with the acne face map? It is believed in Chinese medicine that the location of acne on your face is related to various imbalances and upsets in your body and health. I've always known that acne on the jawline is related to hormonal changes, but finding it on my forehead and between my eyes is definitely new. According to this acne face map: for acne between my eyes: I either have a weak heart, I'm drinking too much alcohol, or smoking too much tobacco. Since I don't smoke and I'm pretty sure my heart's going strong, I guess wine might be the culprit. For acne on my forehead: I could be having digestive problems (yep,) small intestine issues, liver issues, irregular sleep schedule (double yep,) too much worrying (triple yep,) too much sugary foods (quadruple yep,) toxin build-up, hair products, bangs, and wearing dirty hats. 

I'm a strong believer that stress and other mental incapacities have a direct effect on one's body and health. For years, I've experienced terrible migraine-like headaches that only grew worse as time went on. I took medicine, went to the doctor, got testing and was concluded that I may or may not have tumor in my pituitary gland. Fun stuff, right? When things in my life changed and I was placed in a situation away from certain people and things that were stressing me out, my headaches melted away. It was pretty close to miraculous. 

So aside from using natural products to wash my face and care for my skin, I really need to ramp down my stress level, quit eating so much sugar (I'm so stressed, cookies look so damn good to me right now,) and reduce the amount of wine I'm drinking. I will also be doing this:

Nutmeg Microdermabrasion Scrub

1 tbsp whole milk (or hemp milk, almond milk, rice milk, but not soy unless it is GMO-free)

1/2 tbsp nutmeg (ground or freshly ground if you can do it)

Mix together well in a little bowl. With clean, dry hands, and preferably a clean face, scoop the mixture up and massage it in little circles on your face. Try to use an upward motion to counteract all that gravity does. Leave on for 2 to 10 minutes depending on whatever floats your boat. Then, rinse well. Moisturize if needed.

Why nutmeg and milk? Nutmeg is similar to honey that it has antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties which makes it good for oily skin and acne. It's also nourishing which helps dry skin by removing the top dry skin layer and nourishing the new layer beneath. Milk has lactic acid that works as a gentle peel for dead skin that refused to be removed as well as moisturizing benefits. It makes your skin baby-butt soft and helps replenish some of the lost moisture in your skin. So really, this is a great scrub for all skin types.

For some people, they say they feel a burning sensation when they use it. I didn't feel it at all. However, if you do feel it, it's not a bad thing but just leave it in for much less time, obviously. Rinse it right away or just do a minute if it's not burning badly. Do not use cinnamon as it will burn. 

My skin was still a little tight and dry afterwards, but it's just because my skin gets really dry once winter comes around. It was definitely extremely soft. I'm going to try this again with heavy cream to amp up the moisturizing benefits so check back to see my experiences with heavy cream.

Like all scrubs, resist the desire to use it everyday. Just try to keep it to once a week to prevent any irritation. Also, you will experience the desire to bake a pumpkin pie. I don't recommend resisting that desire.

Special thanks to Crunchy Betty for the idea.