Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Arrrgh, What the Hell?!

I have these thoughts swirling around my head, like a giant vat of guilt. "You should be doing this." "You should be doing that." "You should be out running." "You should be cleaning." "You should be productive." "You should be better."

You should, you should, you should. 

And then I get to the point where I just want to crawl into a dark space, lie down, and cry. A lot. You know, ugly cry where your face gets all scrunched up and red and you make scary sounds. I want to give up. I feel hopeless and all the choices don't work. I doubt myself and second-guess myself so much to the point where I feel like every thought I have is a load of crap and that I don't know anything. That, even, I'm not fit to make a splash on the face of this earth.

Sometimes, I can't even trust myself. If I'm at a point where I feel like nothing is right and I fucked up too much, then clearly, I can't be trusted to make the right decisions. And you just want to rip out your hair and go, "Arrrrgh, what the hell!?"

What do you even do? Ride it out, wait for things to look up again? Go out and just change everything completely? Get into your car and leave everyone behind in the dust? How do you even know? What do you do when your internal barometer is so skewed you glance at it with the same wary eye you give your bathroom scale?

I wish I had an answer. Some sort of Indian mumbo jumbo full of Sanskrit words that float through the air like fizzy pop. But that only makes me crave aloo gobi.

I know. You're not supposed to give up. Keep striving for your goal. Failure is nothing but a good lesson. It makes you stronger. La la la la la. I would give anything to just know what I'm doing is right. My intuition is kaput. I'm swimming through Jello here and I can't see shit.

So.... Arrrgh, what the hell?! What do you do? How do you figure it out?