Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Spiritual Rebirth

I'm crazy.

There. I've said it. It's out there.

We're all crazy inside. Each one of us has a neurosis. Just look deep in those dusty corners of the brain. Pull away the cobwebs and confront those scary thoughts that have embedded themselves into the squishy grey matter. These are our roots. Our deepest flaws we'd rather hide away; the reason why we're not merely the sum of our parts. They drive us or hold us back.

We're scared of them. That's why we bury them away and hope that no one notices. Some of us succeed, some of us do not. Though calling a well hidden neurosis a success depends on the perspective. For the one fearing exposure, it could be considered success. For the one who recognizes it for its destructive nature, hiding it well isn't success. Instead, it upsets life.

The way I see it, you can't clean a closet until you get in there deep and let everything inside see the bright, harsh daylight. You can't purge until you can decide what's good and what's bad. And you certainly can't organize and fill up the closet with what you need if all that junk is taking up space. 

There has been a series of events that have happened over the past couple of months that are serving as a giant mallet to the head. A sort of like "Hello, this is your life knocking on your door waiting to ask what the fuck is wrong with you?" and I've been barricading that door because, well, it's scary. No one wants to have to explain themselves, and imagine trying to explain yourself to yourself. Not only that, but you have to explain yourself without blaming anyone. 

I've done many terrible things. I've used and hurt people. I've been selfish and mean and I've let my crazy thoughts take over. I managed to get away with it, hiding things and bullshitting people. Not to mention, all the bad decisions I've chosen. Then, I met someone who pretty much saw right through me. I was completely exposed with nowhere to hide. In my pursuit to run away from myself, I ran smack dab into a glass wall and I've broken my nose, my arms, my body, and most of all, my spirit. And now I have to heal myself. 

Suddenly, I'm seeing a million and one signs all pointing the way. All telling me "heal yourself from the inside out," which is a much nicer way of saying "get your shit together" (which was actually my real message, ha!) I believe everything happens for a reason. The people we meet, the places we go, the decisions we make and everything that happens after; it's all for a very specific purpose.

It's time for me to clean out my closet. I have to confront my hidden neurosis and expose it so I can eliminate it. I need to learn to be more mindful of myself and all that exists around me. Peace won't exist until I've made peace with my inner self. This realization marks the first step towards my journey towards my spiritual rebirth.

I have so much to learn and I barely know where or how to begin. Research, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, healing chakras, whatever. There's so much and it can be overwhelming. But I believe I can do it and I'd like you to join me while I learn and fail (many, many times, I'm sure) and grow.

Great, now that I've told you, I have no excuse not to go on with it. Here goes!

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