Yoga Tales of Discomfit

Embarrassing yoga stories. We all have them. My sweaty palms have betrayed me a few too many times. Come out, damned sweat, out! A reader and fellow yogi had her own tale of discomfit to offer up. Let's just say, turn off the television set, we have a wardrobe malfunction!

Ms. Kathryn of Kate's Spot:

Let me preface this by saying that I passionately love yoga. It is my most favorite form of exercise. Since I had my daughter, I have mostly been practicing on my own at home, but in the spring and summer of 2010 I was regularly attending evening classes at Lifesource in Fairlawn. A particular male instructor (Roger, or Robert I think?) offered a class that I just loved. Intense, challenging, and after a few weeks I really, really mastered it.

Now, I am not sure if you are familiar with Lifesource, but at the time it was a very popular studio. However, it was the size of your average suburban living room. And they never seemed to close the classes. We would literally be piled on top of each other to the point that it was probably almost dangerous. I made a point of getting there early for class so I could put myself kind of in the middle. Close enough so that I could still see, but not so close that I was right in front. The reason I did not want to be right in front was a particular guy in the class. When I first started going, he was there with his girlfriend, but at the time I stopped he was coming alone. Now, I am all about yoga classes being accepting and freeing and all that, but this guy took it a step too far. He would strip down to simply his short-shorts and was quite possibly the hairest man I have ever laid eyes on. And he would grunt and groan and sweat... It was unreal.

One Tuesday night I was running a little late. Too late to get my usual spot. So I was stuck in a corner. The mirror dead in front of me, the wall to my right, and on my left was sweaty, hairy, groany guy. The class was packed as usual, and we were just way, way too close. Now again, that is kind of a given in yoga and just kind of goes with the territory.

Then, I had to do Triangle pose. And I. Saw. Everything. That kind of pushed the limits for me! I was so freaked out that I never went back to that class. Like I said, yoga teaches you to be accepting and sweat and being a little close for comfort comes with the territory. But I was NOT prepared to get the full monty right in the middle of class!

Needless to say, Ms. Kathryn never went back to that particular studio again. The moral of the story? Make sure all your bouncy bits are securely strapped in, your seat is upright, your tray down, and enjoy your class!

Apology to My Body

I need to make an apology.

I'm sorry I overstretched you, my muscles. Now, you are on fire and my lower back is paying for the trouble as well.

I'm sorry I overfeed you, my stomach, now you're bloated and upset and barely fit under the waistband of my pants.

I'm sorry I underfeed you, my stomach, because then you're empty and growling and that leads to the overfeeding. (See: above comment.)

I'm sorry I overthink you, my brain, now all neurons are firing out the wrong holes and my thoughts lead me down scary and strange paths.

I'm sorry for neglecting you, my education, but I'm ready to be taught now.

I'm sorry I hate you, my body, because you get me up in the morning, you move me from point A to point B, you don't look half bad in my clothes (and out of them, sometimes,) and most of all, because you're the home for my heart and soul.

I'm sorry I grow frustrated with you, my heart, you love and love and love until you stretch too thin and break. Mending you is difficult but necessary.

I'm sorry I doubt you, my soul, because you make life worth living and help me find people worth loving and create purpose for my time on Earth.

I'm sorry for being a bad friend, my friends, but I make an awesome hermit. (Don't worry, I'll be back in fine form with wine and chocolate soon.)

I'm sorry for being so insane, my boyfriend, I'm still figuring out the happy middle ground as I'm sure you are too. I'll bear with you if you'll bear with me?

I'm sorry for being a bad daughter, my parents, for there is still so much to learn and so much to accept and I lack the wisdom to help me do so.

I'm sorry for being a bad sister, my sister, because I'm lost in my own world and I've decided it's a place I need to escape.

I'm sorry for being a bad aunt, my nephew, your tiny little toddler youth scares the crap out of me and half the time, I haven't a clue what to do with you. But I love how you always seem so damn happy to see me.

I'm sorry for not contributing to society yet, World, but I'm working on it.

As the title states, this began as an apology to my body for overworking it in sheer desperation and fear of my upcoming yoga teacher training classes. As I typed out my apologies, I realized I had so much more to apologize for. As I explored all the wrongs I've done, I felt a freeing feeling in letting it all out.

This is my apology to my body, myself, my loved ones, and the world. I'm sorry. I'm already starting to do better.

Arrrgh, What the Hell?!

I have these thoughts swirling around my head, like a giant vat of guilt. "You should be doing this." "You should be doing that." "You should be out running." "You should be cleaning." "You should be productive." "You should be better."

You should, you should, you should. 

And then I get to the point where I just want to crawl into a dark space, lie down, and cry. A lot. You know, ugly cry where your face gets all scrunched up and red and you make scary sounds. I want to give up. I feel hopeless and all the choices don't work. I doubt myself and second-guess myself so much to the point where I feel like every thought I have is a load of crap and that I don't know anything. That, even, I'm not fit to make a splash on the face of this earth.

Sometimes, I can't even trust myself. If I'm at a point where I feel like nothing is right and I fucked up too much, then clearly, I can't be trusted to make the right decisions. And you just want to rip out your hair and go, "Arrrrgh, what the hell!?"

What do you even do? Ride it out, wait for things to look up again? Go out and just change everything completely? Get into your car and leave everyone behind in the dust? How do you even know? What do you do when your internal barometer is so skewed you glance at it with the same wary eye you give your bathroom scale?

I wish I had an answer. Some sort of Indian mumbo jumbo full of Sanskrit words that float through the air like fizzy pop. But that only makes me crave aloo gobi.

I know. You're not supposed to give up. Keep striving for your goal. Failure is nothing but a good lesson. It makes you stronger. La la la la la. I would give anything to just know what I'm doing is right. My intuition is kaput. I'm swimming through Jello here and I can't see shit.

So.... Arrrgh, what the hell?! What do you do? How do you figure it out?

So Why Bother?

A few days ago, I was lying in bed just thinking about life. Thinking about what I chose to do with it, what I do differently from the majority of people out there, what I'm trying to work on both internally and externally. This one thought eeked its way into my head.

"Why do you even bother?"

I stopped and listened to that question. It felt like up until then, everything had been floating in bliss, searching their way through the ether of the universe and boosting me along. Then, the question popped into my head and it all dropped to the ground. Why do I bother being a vegetarian when almost everyone I know could care less, "likes meat too much," or thinks I'm a picky eater? Why do I bother with this spiritual journey, learning to be more mindful, and being more at peace with myself and others when they're all hollering at me and using me as target practice for their own misery? Why bother loving? It can fucking hurt sometimes. Why bother being there for people when you find yourself completely alone when you need company the most?

Why bother? What is my reason? This wasn't supposed to be easy. If it were, then everyone would be enlightened Buddhas stepping lightly around with a half-smile plastered across their faces. All of our gazes would be eternally soft as we live our lives in semi-meditation mode. Instead, we're stalking around with a scowl, bleating at people, and hurting our environment. 

There are philosophies meant to keep everything in focus such as Great Law of the Iroquois which implores you to think seven generations ahead for every action and decision you make. It's kind of scary to think that what you do right now can hold a lasting impact for the next 140 years. It certainly makes me feel better about the eco-friendliness of my vegetarian lifestyle. However, how does my spiritual growth right now affect any of these next seven generation? 

Granted, it can help make my life more bearable for my short time on Earth, but how important is it really? We're just tiny ants with heavy burdens on our backs and eventually we're going to get stepped on and disappear. I know it sounds depressing, but that's exactly where my thoughts wandered. And I know some of you are probably saying that mindfulness is all about not letting your mind wander down paths such as these. But my problem was, I needed to know. I needed to know why. Am I so important that I must be enlightened? Why do I deserve that? Why does it matter?

The only answer I could come up with was that it was just right to do. It's the right thing. Loving people even though I get hurt? They needed that love and I was the one to give it to them despite whatever happens. Being there for people? I can't not be there for them. I can feel their pain almost as purely as they do and all I want is to give them what I would want if I were in their situation. There aren't any other options.

So why do I bother? Because there are no other options. Selfishness isn't an option. Hiding isn't an option. Pain and suffering is a part of life and in a way, it reminds me that I'm doing the right thing. The least I can do is leave a trail of good where I go.

Notes on "Peace is Every Step" by Thich Nhat Hanh

My boyfriend gave me this book to read when he felt I needed it most. He was right. I needed it more than I thought. 

As I was reading it, quite a few quotes and phrases stood out so I thought I write them down. Maybe I was hoping that it would help ingrain them in my mind or that I'd have the sense to go back to it one day when I needed it again. Either way, I want to share them with you. 

Some of this are direct quotes and others are just paraphrases and interpretations of my own.

• "Peace is in the present."
• Smile. When you wake up, go through your day, and get ready to sleep. Always smile.
• Think less. It allows us to let go of the sorrows of the past and the worries of the future. A significant amount of our thinking is an inefficient use of our energy.
• Our senses are our windows. Opening them allows the whatever it is on the outside to come in and permeate us. Be mindful of what you choose to open your windows to.
• Breathe mindfully wherever you are. "I am breathing in. I am breathing out."
• You may move during sitting meditation as long as you do it slowly and attentively. This made me cheer, no more uncomfortable sleeping leg syndrome!
• Meditation is not an escape from your problems.
• Eat mindfully.
• "Walk as if your feet are kissing the earth."
• Wherever you go, there you are.
• Drive consciously. Let each red light be a "bell" of mindfulness.
• De-compartmentalize. Separation and avoidance causes distress and negative energy.
• Coordinate your movements with your breath to feel less tired and increase awareness of your body and surroundings.
• "Don't just do something, sit there!" 
• Pragmatism, looking things with the intent of gaining something, inhibits your mindfulness. 
• Art is acting in the moment.
• Hope is an obstacle. Spend all your energy looking to the future, and you cannot be in the present.
• "Simple practices like conscious breathing and smiling are very important. They can change our civilization."
• Don't be angry at your anger. Then, you'll have two angers to worry about. 
• Transform, do not let go or remove, the negative into a positive. Like anger into understanding.
• The seeds of negativity must be addressed and transformed into positivity before you can confront the person who sowed them.
• ""Suchness, the essence of particular characteristics of a thing or person, its true nature." Once you understand the suchness of a person, you can live peacefully and happily with that person."
• "Most of us are victims of a kind of living that is not mindful."
• "When we look at your parents with compassion, often we see that our parents are only victims who never had the chance to practice mindfulness."
• Every seed of negative or positive emotion manifests more seeds. Anger produces more anger. Joy creates more joy.
• "Each one of us needs a reserve of seeds that are beautiful, healthy, and strong enough to help us during difficult moments."
• If you have a friend or loved one who makes you happy and feel better, invite her up into your consciousness and "breathe together."
• We always focus on what is wrong when we should take the time to ask "What is not wrong?"
• "We cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her."
• "Anyone who made us suffer is undoubtedly suffering too."
• Thoughts manifest words and actions. Having love in your heart brings about miracles through thoughts, and consequentially, words and actions.
• Hugging meditation: Take a deep breath in and out to bring yourself to the present in the moment before a hug. While hugging, consciously breathe in and out three times. Your mindset with transform and your hug with take on a deeper, more powerful meaning.
• Friends and community are investments in finding comfort in difficult times and having those with whom to share joy and happiness.
• "Real strength is not in power, money, or weapons, but in deep, inner peace."
• "The forests are our lungs outside of our bodies, just as the sun is our heart outside of our bodies." We must have "both" bodies to find our true self.
• "Because we are so distant from our Mother Earth, we become sick."
• If we seek peace, can we find it through loving, peaceful words?
• "If we cannot smile, we cannot help other people smile."
• "Peace is based on respect for life. Not only do we have to respect the lives of human beings, but we have to respect the lives of animals, vegetables, and minerals."
• "I am your brother. I am your sister. We are all humankind, and our life is one."
• Sometimes, we don't intend to hurt, but in lacking mindfulness and the skill of compassion, we can say hurtful words. Mindfulness helps us speak in a way that is loving and kind.
• "When you see in yourself the wish that the other person stop suffering, that is a sign of real love."
• What you are looking for is already in yourself. The clouds and river are one. You and your enemy are one. We are inter-being with each other, the world, and everything within. There is nothing to chase after.

Did any of these stand out to you? The bolded words and phrases were the one that struck me the most out of all my notes. They are either things that I adored or that I needed to become more mindful of. This is, by no means, a "Cliff's Note" of Peace is Every Step. If you have the chance to read it, do it, you'll be grateful you did.

Yoga, Confessions, and Marilyn.

Yoga, yoga, yoga has been on my mind and rightly so. I guess I might as well just put it out there, I'm going to train to be a yoga instructor this year. If all goes well, by December, I'll be a real, bona fide yoga teacher (with a job, hopefully.) I'm super-excited and have yet to shut up about it. You'd think I'm already an instructor now, the way I talk.

Lest I get ahead of myself, I need to make one tiny little confession. While I'm a huge yoga fanatic, (I will tell you that yoga is the answer to all your problems. Then, I'll trap you until you admit that "yes, yes, yoga will solve your problems." Sorry about leaving my fingerprinted red marks on your wrist, but hey! There's a yoga move that can help that!) I've been to only a handful of actual yoga classes.

Gasp! Sacrilege!

Yeah, I know. It's terrible. It's practically hypocritical, but Hulu and YouTube are free and actual classes... are not. Besides, it's a little bit nerve-wracking to face going into a class and confronting all these yoga snobs. Damn yoga snobs. And here I am, planning to teach 'em. What's wrong with me? My logic is screwed up. (I can sense my boyfriend agreeing. Shh.) Anyway, I decided to go to one at my local Rec Center last week and boy, that was an interesting experience.

I got there just before class began and everyone was all set up in a dim, eerily quiet room. Of course, just as I walked in, I realized I completely forgot my yoga mat. Facepalm moment. Could I have looked any more like a yoga newbie? Once I got all set up, the class began. It was led by an older Indian man which made me all giddy. A yoga session led by a man who hailed from the birthplace of it all? Yes! Sadly, I was disappointed. Though it was really nice that he demonstrated each asana along with us, they were very watered-down and simple. This wasn't a beginner's class, mind you, but I was hoping to learn a new vinyasa or asana or something. 

Then, we began a downward dog sequence. I was so worked up (read: embarrassed) from the whole yoga mat fiasco that my palms started to sweat. Needless to say, the 8 (eight!) downward dogs were excruciating. My hands would slide forward at 50 mph each time and nothing I did fixed it. I wiped my hands on my pants over and over again, I turned my mat around, I flipped it, nothing... worked. And all the while, I'm trying, and failing, to not create a ruckus. I was so ready to bail. Finally, they were over and we moved on. The relief was so great that my palms dried out, instantly. Awesome.

Luckily, for every bad, there is a good. I spoke with the instructor afterwards and he complimented my form. Yes! Score one for Beatrice.

It goes to show you that it doesn't matter if you're really experienced or a complete newbie, you're going to have some crazy moments in a yoga session. I've learned you just embrace it and move on. And bring chalk for your hands if you're me.

Also, another random and very cool yoga fact, Marilyn Monroe was also a yoga fanatic. There exists a collection of about 21 photos of Miss Monroe in various asanas, some are actual while others are clearly beauty poses but positioned in such a way that it's obvious she is experienced in yoga training. As always, she is absolutely gorgeous. Check them out here: Marilyn Monroe Does Yoga.

Did you have an embarrassing moment or a funny story about a yoga class? Share them below!

Pragmatism

So here I am, trying to navigate this freaky, slightly murky (okay, very murky) path through this whole spiritual rebirth journey whatchamacallit thing. I am working on coming to terms with my om-ing New Agey self. I mean, I just told a friend to start meditating. I never thought in a million years I'd be saying that with a straight face. And yet, here I am, charting my chakras and reading books by a Zen monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. I guess when you open your mind, you never really know what the heck is going to happen next.

Unfortunately, I'm setting myself up to fail. This is a tiny little conversation in Peace is Every Step, a book by the aforementioned Thich Nhat Hanh, that caught my attention:

[A]n artist asked me, "What is the way to look at a flower so that I can make the most of it for my art?" I said, "If you look in that way, you cannot be in touch with the flower. Abandon all your projects so you can be with the flower with no intention of exploiting it or getting something from it."

I literally heard sirens in my head yelling, "Pay attention! Pay attention!" and had to reread it a few more times. While thinking about it, I realized I was doing it all wrong. That is, I was doing life all wrong. An intention is assigned to nearly everything I do, experience, or want in life. Nearly, because here are few things that have no ulterior motive: like loving people. I love my boyfriend, my family, and my friends all in specific ways and for no reason other than just to love them. Of course, I'd like to be loved back and I'm sure I am but I'm not going to tell them how much I want or how I'd like it. I just let it happen. It's easy for me to do. I don't know why. I haven't been hurt so perhaps that's why I can love in such a blind and simple way.

But when I do yoga or go for a walk outside, I'm looking for the benefits- flatter abs or to be all skinny and pretty. Why can't I just go for a walk? Must there be a reason? I kept catching myself at various points in Peace is Every Step thinking, "Oh, I should definitely write a blog for that. And that. And that." and I had to remind myself, I'm reading this for me, not for some internet fodder. When I try to meditate, I go in thinking, "How is this going to make me better?" or "How is this going to cure what ails me." and nearly every time, I emerge frustrated. No wonder it hasn't been working for me. 

Hidden agendas pretty much never end well. I've seen people, myself included, taken advantage of. Friends and loved ones get hurt. Things don't work out. Nobody is happy in the end. When I do a yoga session and I don't achieve what I expect, I'm not thrilled and that affects me for the rest of the day. Instead, I could've just have been enjoying my session, being grateful my body can even move and do what I ask of it. Those little things would've put me in a good mood for the rest of the day, but instead, I'm irritated because I didn't meet the standard I set. 

I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my journey. There is an end goal, and it's not wrong to have. After all, I need a direction in which to focus myself and my energy. But I also need to let go of all my expectations and my intentions and just let the journey take me where it will. Inner peace will never be achieved if I'm constantly disappointing myself and losing sight of my real goal. My goal not to be skinny and pretty (though that'd be nice) and it's not to have something to write about on this blog (though I'll keep doing that,) but it's to finally accept myself and live in harmony with my spirit, the earth, and the people on it.