The Insecurities of a Yoga Selfie

Before I began my Yoga Teacher Training, I didn't follow YogaSelfiesRUs or whatever it's called on Instagram; I didn't bother with looking through yoga poses uploaded by fellow Yogis on Facebook; and I certainly, most definitely, did not post any photos of myself doing asanas. It was all just too much. It spake of ego, of "Look at me, I'm so pretty!"and it played with my self-esteem. (Image Credit: Giesel Widmer)

I was not the most flexible in my training class, nor was I the strongest. One girl could do handstands practically on her fingertips. Another girl could hook her legs behind her head. Me? I was the grunting, gasping girl in the corner, all rounded back, and collapsing over sideways. I wasn't the most slender or serene-looking. My ujjayi breath was barely audible. I fidgeted in Easy pose. Down Dog hurt my shoulders after a few too many. I discovered I had been doing Tadasana all wrong for the past three years. I couldn't even stand properly.

So what was I going to feel when I saw pictures of these magnificent males and females contorting themselves into stunning straight lines, nary a bump or stomach roll in sight, holding themselves up effortlessly on the palms of their hands? Like shit. Yeah. It made me feel shitty, plain as that. Instead of being inspiring like how it is for quite a few co-trainees in my class, I could feel my heart sink and my cheeks flush in embarrassment. There is absolutely no way I'll ever let anyone see me blunder into that pose. I would think to myself. So I won't let them see. See, even though I went to a handful of yoga classes before my teacher training, I did a lot of home practice. Moreover, I rarely let anyone practice with me lest they see me in a less than stellar form. I was embarrassed. I felt kind of like a fraud. Here I was, saying "Yoga, yoga, yoga!" and what if I was actually doing everything wrong and had no idea?

Well, I kind of was, as evidenced by the whole Tadasana debacle, but so was everyone else. Imagine my shock when I discovered that all my co-trainees were no better or worse than me. They were all as good as they could be at that moment, and we all were slated for improvement. I had strengths in one area that I didn't in another, and another person had vice versa.

After two months straight of training, I was slightly more flexible and slightly stronger. I fit into my body better. I felt more comfortable in my skin, but I still retained a bit of that insecurity. Two months isn't enough to abolish years of conditioning you get from society. We were born in the age of Kate Moss. We watched celebrities like both Jennifer Connelly and Aniston go from pretty girls with full faces to skinny waifs. In short, there's a tremendous amount of worthless value being placed on specific bodies and looks that are not very attainable nor practical.

During my training, I gained a lot of confidence in my skills. I took my first yoga selfie and was shocked by how I looked. It wasn't what I expected at all. I looked good. More than good, I looked awesome! I did the pose right! There weren't any stomach rolls! Whaaaaaat? I felt brilliant about myself. I took more selfies, started doing scary poses that I kept falling out of in public, I stopped caring. Somewhere in there, I realized, who cares? All that mattered was that I was trying and I was improving with each trial. One day, I was going to get there.

Then, training was over. I became certified. Two months of all the yoga I could get was finished. #yogaeverydamnday wasn't true for me anymore. I was back in Cleveland where I didn't have a studio I called Home. Not only that, I went back, then I moved to Columbus. I was starting over for real. Everything from scratch. I had to find a studio I liked. I had to find a job. I had to make connections, network, meet people. I had to turn nothing into something. It was and still is a daunting and scary task, but little by little, I started chipping away at it. My training went from three-plus classes a day to three home practices a week if I was lucky. My joints were becoming creaky and my muscles were withering into floppy underarm hang. I felt like I was losing my strong Side-Crowing self.

Then, I picked up a couple back copies of Yoga Journal from the library for inspiration. They're great publications, really, but I did not expect my reaction after I finished reading. My old insecure self returned, thinking thoughts like "I can never get my legs that straight in the air," and "My abs are a joke, I can't hold myself up in Boat," and I started to panic. The insecurity took me over. In my mind, I was a fat, ugly, lumbering rhino who couldn't do a graceful Freebird anymore. All those emotions I had from when I avoided YogaSelfiesRUs rose up in me and I didn't like it. This wasn't who I've become, who I've earned the right to be after my training. This wasn't me, it never really was, and it never would be again.

So, I just let myself notice the pain. I felt it. I recognized it and identified it. I gave it time to go away on its own without fighting it or inflicting guilt on myself. I practiced ahimsa, nonviolence towards myself to get through a momentary breakdown. Today, I did another home practice. It's not back-to-back classes at Black Swan in Austin, but it was what I needed. With time, I'll be back to #yogaeverydamnday and I just need to be patient. I realize I have to give myself credit. Like I said, I'm starting from scratch and every accomplishment, no matter how tiny, is actually huge. As long as I maintain my practice and maintain the respect I give to myself, my mind, and my body, I will always be as beautiful as all those yogis in their selfies, even if I can't go from Crane into a handstand… yet.

I saw this posted on Facebook with a message: How do these photos of a woman doing yoga in the nude make you feel? At first, I was intimidated. She is beautiful and nearly perfect. I may never have a body like hers. I know I'll definitely never have boobs like her for sure. But despite that, I see it as an accurate depiction for who she is: someone who loves and has put time into her practice. Her love is so raw that she has to practice it at its barest. It's a exquisite example of a yogi's dedication. 

How does these photos make you feel? Luba Shumeyko Yoga- Nude Yoga- By Petter Hegre.

Learning the Exquisite Existence Within You

So this is it, I'm officially a yoga instructor. I can turn you into twisty, bendy positions because I, myself, have contorted into twisty, bendy positions for the past two months and learned how to tell you to do it.

But the two months that I've spent in Austin wasn't just about learning yoga poses. It was so much more than that. It was one of the hardest times and one of the best times I've experienced in my life so far. Some people say yoga teacher training changed them and that they're different now. I disagree. No one changed. Changing isn't something people can do. Instead, we learn. I learn. I was an awesome, amazing person going into Austin, and I'm the same awesome, amazing person coming out- just with more confidence to show it. We grow to understand things whether it's people, relationships, the world, or ourselves. We discover that we're still the same person regardless of whatever emotion we're experiencing and whatever situation we're facing, because all of that- drama, events, whatever- is still outside the realm of our Self. It's like we stand in the very center of a cyclone. We can choose to stick our hands out and get hit by flying debris, or we can simply stay still and watch the world swirl around us, noticing the little things, and smiling because imagine how beautiful it'd be to be in the middle of that twister.

I came out of training stronger, both physically and mentally. Like one wise person told me, "There's taking yourself out of the comfort zone, and there's being forced out of your comfort zone." Going to Austin was the agreement I made with myself to leave my comfort zone. Events occurred where I found myself being forced even further out of that zone. It was tough. I knew real life was waiting for me at home, but I didn't expect real life to hit me full in the face while I was still away.

To comfort me, people kept saying, "When you leap, the net will appear." As I drove away from Austin to go back north, I thought to myself: I've been free-falling from day one. There is no net. The net will never appear. But you know what else will never appear? The ground. The entirety of life is you just free-falling. You might find someone to hold hands with while you fall, or it could look like there's a whole group of people underneath you waiting to catch you. But everyone else is free-falling just as fast and far as you are. And honestly, I rather have that than to land in a net all by myself.

In the midst of my free-falling, I wasn't alone. I had my gorgeous group of yogis and my two phenomenal instructors offering support and wrapping everyone in all their beautiful energy. I had my loved ones back home. I had all the new friends that I made in the most unlikely of places. So in spite of the crazy cyclone I was in, I learned and still am learning the secrets of an exquisite existence. 

So when I interviewed for my first yoga position, they asked me why I said I wanted to get more experience. I told them, "I never stop learning."

Beginner-Beginner's Guide to Meditation

When it comes to meditation, I am nowhere near a source of authority. In fact, if there was a category that comes before beginner, you would find me residing squarely in it. However, since my whole life turned upside down at the beginning of the year, I was introduced to the idea of meditation, and moreover, I was introduced to the idea of meditation as a realistic and attainable thing to add to my life.

I'll be honest. It's hard. Your mind wanders. You have about eight million other things to worry about. You feel silly. You get interrupted. You have no clue what you're doing then you start wondering if you're doing it right. When I first meditated, I had no idea what to do. All I had were a few tips from people I knew and instructions to "make your mind blank" and to "be in the now."

Yeah, okay. Real helpful.

So here's my beginner-beginner's take on meditation: Start with the breathing. Breathe in, imagine your belly filling up with all that air, count to four, pause and hold for a hot second, then breathe out. Let the air expel out of your belly while counting to four or eight. Count 1. Repeat, and count up to twenty total breaths. By this time, your breathing should be more or less automatic. Your mind will wander and you'll start making a mental to-do list. Great! Your mind is calm enough that you can focus on organizing your day. Now, finish that thought and go back to your breathing.

Sometimes you'll see images, sometimes you'll have, like I wrote above, a mental to-do list. Sometimes you might meet someone- a person, or animal, or yourself. Do what feels right. Hold a conversation. Sometimes it's just darkness, so stare into it. Think about the positive in your life, liberate the negativity. Imagine each thought, negative or neutral, as a leaf falling out of a tree and landing in a stream just to float away from you. Release that thought.

Sometimes, particularly when driving on pilot, I get sucked into a trend of negative thoughts. I'll start acting out a scene in my head where terrible things happen, or I'll become acutely focused on a particularly dissenting theory. The next thing I know, I arrive to my destination steaming or depressed. Whomever I'm meeting doesn't deserve that. So I start a breathing meditation. While driving, I start to verbally note everything I see in my head. There's the lovely green grass. There's a beautiful pasture. There's a bright red mailbox. Sometimes, I'll invite my loved ones into my head like a friend or significant other, and we'll smile and breathe together. When you see someone you love smiling at you, you can't help but smile back, right? It works just as well even when you're just thinking about it.

If I consciously remove myself from the negativity during my drive, I arrive refreshed and renewed, and most of all happy which is a great deal better than arriving angry because of a scenario I basically made up in my head.

Another thing I find myself doing a lot recently, is a visualization I do during savasana, the Corpse pose, at the end of nearly every yoga session. I'm usually so loose, warm, and relaxed by this time that it's easy to free my mind. Deep belly breathing is automatic and I can clearly see my body in my mind's eye. When I breathe in, I imagine fresh and pure air free of negativity entering through every pore of my body. When I breathe out, I see the negativity and sadness in the form of grey smoke, pouring out of my body. With each breath, I watch the clear clean air fill up my body, forcing the smoke out until soon enough, there is no more grey smoke anymore. Now, my body is full of positivity and the negativity is expelled, allowing me to start my day over with a new attitude.

It really makes all the difference in the world. Before I started trying, visualization and clearing my mind wasn't worth my time. I wasn't open to it and moreover, I didn't think I'd be any good at it. My visualization skills sucked. I couldn't hold onto an image without having it disappear into the ether of my mind. Now, with practice, I can hold on to the image and work it to my advantage. My patience has increased and my willingness alongside it. There are days where I just can't get into it. I don't push myself. I move on and know there'll be another opportunity where I will succeed.

What are your tips and advice for meditation? Was it hard to begin? What did you do to persevere and find your way?

When You Just Suck at Running

So I've started running. Well, "running" is more like it. It's not real running like that 40+ lady with a few extra pounds you see on the trail just huffing and puffing by without stopping and before you know it, you see her coming back towards you still huffing and puffing and you wonder why, why in hell you can't last more than five minutes and she just outlasted you by an hour. Nothing like getting owned by the unexpected.

Anyway, I'm on the Couch to 5K program. Yes me, the fairly young, fairly fit girl who's about to take on eight solid weeks of yoga, yoga, yoga in an effort to become a certified instructor. I'm only on week, what, five? (I had to take a good long break during camp. No way in hell was I sacrificing my precious little sleep to stumble/run pathetically in front of not one, but two triathlon competitors.) And seriously, I am so freaking proud to finally reach the point where I can run a full five minute, albeit I am grateful for the walking intervals, not gonna lie. One day, one day, I'll run for a half hour straight and be a happy little clam. If clams had feet... and can wear running shoes.

In any case, if you're wondering why I'm telling you all this, it's to make you feel better. No really. Now you have no excuse not to get up and do whatever it was you've been thinking you should do. It could be running, hiking, biking, yoga (cough, cough,) rock climbing, swimming, whatever it is. I look like I'd be a fabulous runner, able to blast on by that 40+ lady, but no, she's the one leaving me behind in the dust. 

I don't have fancy running clothes. I basically throw on an old teal tank top from high school, a cheap bra, and whatever shorts I can move around in. My shoes are not fancy running shoes. They're ballet slipper style sneakers with velcro laces and barefoot sole technology. Not even Vibrams, just some knock-offs I found at Marshalls. (Seen on my feet in the picture below with my lovely boys on top of a mountain in Connecticut.) And I start slow. Couch to 5K have been such a huge help. In the beginning, even 90 seconds of running had me winded. Now I'm up to five minutes, and I'm still winded, but it takes longer now! The app for the iPhone is free. Just stick your earphones in, slap on some sunglasses so no one can identify your huffing puffing ass right away, and get going. 

One thing I do strongly recommend is stretching before and after. If you're like me, basically clueless about the general stretches, just think yoga! Yay! (You totally saw that coming.) DoYogaWithMe.com is an awesome site that provides free yoga videos of all kinds. I particularly love Fiji McAlpine's pre-and post-run yoga. I kind of slack on the pre-run one but definitely go for the post-run session every time. 

Can we discuss what an awesome name Fiji McAlpine is. I need a yoga name now.

Anyway, happy running or climbing or whatever it is you've been tempted to do. Both videos are below and guess what, your excuses? All gone. Poof! What's your "feel better" trick if you're feeling less than confident about yourself when you exercise? Share in the comments below. I know I definitely need more tricks up my sleeve for moments like this!

Apology to My Body

I need to make an apology.

I'm sorry I overstretched you, my muscles. Now, you are on fire and my lower back is paying for the trouble as well.

I'm sorry I overfeed you, my stomach, now you're bloated and upset and barely fit under the waistband of my pants.

I'm sorry I underfeed you, my stomach, because then you're empty and growling and that leads to the overfeeding. (See: above comment.)

I'm sorry I overthink you, my brain, now all neurons are firing out the wrong holes and my thoughts lead me down scary and strange paths.

I'm sorry for neglecting you, my education, but I'm ready to be taught now.

I'm sorry I hate you, my body, because you get me up in the morning, you move me from point A to point B, you don't look half bad in my clothes (and out of them, sometimes,) and most of all, because you're the home for my heart and soul.

I'm sorry I grow frustrated with you, my heart, you love and love and love until you stretch too thin and break. Mending you is difficult but necessary.

I'm sorry I doubt you, my soul, because you make life worth living and help me find people worth loving and create purpose for my time on Earth.

I'm sorry for being a bad friend, my friends, but I make an awesome hermit. (Don't worry, I'll be back in fine form with wine and chocolate soon.)

I'm sorry for being so insane, my boyfriend, I'm still figuring out the happy middle ground as I'm sure you are too. I'll bear with you if you'll bear with me?

I'm sorry for being a bad daughter, my parents, for there is still so much to learn and so much to accept and I lack the wisdom to help me do so.

I'm sorry for being a bad sister, my sister, because I'm lost in my own world and I've decided it's a place I need to escape.

I'm sorry for being a bad aunt, my nephew, your tiny little toddler youth scares the crap out of me and half the time, I haven't a clue what to do with you. But I love how you always seem so damn happy to see me.

I'm sorry for not contributing to society yet, World, but I'm working on it.

As the title states, this began as an apology to my body for overworking it in sheer desperation and fear of my upcoming yoga teacher training classes. As I typed out my apologies, I realized I had so much more to apologize for. As I explored all the wrongs I've done, I felt a freeing feeling in letting it all out.

This is my apology to my body, myself, my loved ones, and the world. I'm sorry. I'm already starting to do better.

Pragmatism

So here I am, trying to navigate this freaky, slightly murky (okay, very murky) path through this whole spiritual rebirth journey whatchamacallit thing. I am working on coming to terms with my om-ing New Agey self. I mean, I just told a friend to start meditating. I never thought in a million years I'd be saying that with a straight face. And yet, here I am, charting my chakras and reading books by a Zen monk named Thich Nhat Hanh. I guess when you open your mind, you never really know what the heck is going to happen next.

Unfortunately, I'm setting myself up to fail. This is a tiny little conversation in Peace is Every Step, a book by the aforementioned Thich Nhat Hanh, that caught my attention:

[A]n artist asked me, "What is the way to look at a flower so that I can make the most of it for my art?" I said, "If you look in that way, you cannot be in touch with the flower. Abandon all your projects so you can be with the flower with no intention of exploiting it or getting something from it."

I literally heard sirens in my head yelling, "Pay attention! Pay attention!" and had to reread it a few more times. While thinking about it, I realized I was doing it all wrong. That is, I was doing life all wrong. An intention is assigned to nearly everything I do, experience, or want in life. Nearly, because here are few things that have no ulterior motive: like loving people. I love my boyfriend, my family, and my friends all in specific ways and for no reason other than just to love them. Of course, I'd like to be loved back and I'm sure I am but I'm not going to tell them how much I want or how I'd like it. I just let it happen. It's easy for me to do. I don't know why. I haven't been hurt so perhaps that's why I can love in such a blind and simple way.

But when I do yoga or go for a walk outside, I'm looking for the benefits- flatter abs or to be all skinny and pretty. Why can't I just go for a walk? Must there be a reason? I kept catching myself at various points in Peace is Every Step thinking, "Oh, I should definitely write a blog for that. And that. And that." and I had to remind myself, I'm reading this for me, not for some internet fodder. When I try to meditate, I go in thinking, "How is this going to make me better?" or "How is this going to cure what ails me." and nearly every time, I emerge frustrated. No wonder it hasn't been working for me. 

Hidden agendas pretty much never end well. I've seen people, myself included, taken advantage of. Friends and loved ones get hurt. Things don't work out. Nobody is happy in the end. When I do a yoga session and I don't achieve what I expect, I'm not thrilled and that affects me for the rest of the day. Instead, I could've just have been enjoying my session, being grateful my body can even move and do what I ask of it. Those little things would've put me in a good mood for the rest of the day, but instead, I'm irritated because I didn't meet the standard I set. 

I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my journey. There is an end goal, and it's not wrong to have. After all, I need a direction in which to focus myself and my energy. But I also need to let go of all my expectations and my intentions and just let the journey take me where it will. Inner peace will never be achieved if I'm constantly disappointing myself and losing sight of my real goal. My goal not to be skinny and pretty (though that'd be nice) and it's not to have something to write about on this blog (though I'll keep doing that,) but it's to finally accept myself and live in harmony with my spirit, the earth, and the people on it.

The World Has Curves - A Study on Body Image Around the World

I'm in the image business. I make and sell things that people view as beautiful, wear to look beautiful, and have to feel beautiful. Sometimes, I succeed; sometimes, I don't. When I do succeed, I know it's a huge accomplishment. We live in a society where those who are in complete and whole acceptance of their body are hard to find. That's why the information found in The World Has Curves by Julia Savacool resonates so deeply.

Savacool takes an in-depth look at various cultures around the world and how women within each group view their bodies. She presents the idea that each culture's ideal body image is formed from the desire to be a part of the upper class. She admits that in order to study each culture, she had to make broad generalizations, but I could not fault her for that, because there is a grain of truth behind everything.

In China, the ultra-rich spend their money on plastic surgery and expensive face products in hopes of getting better jobs with bigger pay. While in Japan, the women favor lean, strong figures with large breasts. They'll choose breast augmentation, but also spend their money at various fitness centers and health clubs, choosing to work on, and indulge in, their bodies.

In Jamaica and, similarly, South Africa, having extra weight on one's frame is desirable- showing one had the money to spend on food. However, a shape must be maintained. Jamaica favors the so-called "Coca Cola Bottle" shape, formed after seeing the American imported glass Coca Cola bottles. South Africa goes back to their roots and embraces larger, more shapely butts and thighs as well as breasts. Fiji also followed the same cultural values until they came on the scenes as a major tourist spot. The arrival of the Western world in the form of fancy hotels, televisions with their Western programs, and advertisements spurred a desire for a body ideal very similar to the one we're familiar with here in the United States. The first documented case of anorexia occurred after Fiji became a resort hotspot.

Afghanistan was the most surprising. Savacool was quick to point out that burkas were a choice for women to wear before Taliban rule. She spoke with some women who expressed a desire to wear burkas, regardless of state law, because it was convenient. One didn't have to worry about their hair and make up when running errands. They are shielded from much of Western influences and therefore have not adopted our common ideals. The preferred body type is chubby with no real shape with a pretty face and long dark hair. Again, this speaks to the Jamaican and South African ideal of weight equals money.

Which brings us to the strange paradox of the American ideal where, in general, the poorest communities are usually made up of larger people and the richer class tend to be slimmer. We do not equate weight with money; we equate health, fitness, and slimness with money.

Of course, with the rapid globalization of the world, we're all slowly headed towards a homogeneous mindset. The key point is that most of these women interviewed expressed discontent with their bodies. The ones who seemed the most accepting were those from Afghanistan, the ones shielded from much outside influence as well as influence from men, considering their burkas. Perhaps we need to think about pulling on some sort of invisible shield. Stop looking to media for guidance and start looking within ourselves for acceptance. 

There's a lot of things about my body I'd like to change. Things I'd say I "hate." But you know what that means? I'm actually saying I hate myself. How can anyone live life if they hate themselves and the only body they get to live life in? It's crazy! I need to quit it, we all do. So I'm proposing a deal we should make with our bodies. We'll stop treating it so badly, stop hating it, stop feeding it crappy food, stop beating it up emotionally and physically. 

I'm making a pledge that whenever I find myself hating on my problem area, which is my tummy, I'll stop myself. I'll say to my tummy, "Look, I know you stick out more than I like, and sometimes when I eat too much, you press uncomfortably against my waistband. But you know what? You're my tummy and you get to hold all that yummy food and you help fuel my body so I can do my yoga routines and walk with my boyfriend and go shopping and make jewelry. So thank you, tummy." And move on. I'd like you to make that pledge with me for whatever problems you have with your body. It's time we took our body image back, don't you think?

How do you feel about your body? Do you hate on it too much or try not to? Do you accept your body? I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

*Thanks to Dove Soap for the great body acceptance photo above!*