The Insecurities of a Yoga Selfie

Before I began my Yoga Teacher Training, I didn't follow YogaSelfiesRUs or whatever it's called on Instagram; I didn't bother with looking through yoga poses uploaded by fellow Yogis on Facebook; and I certainly, most definitely, did not post any photos of myself doing asanas. It was all just too much. It spake of ego, of "Look at me, I'm so pretty!"and it played with my self-esteem. (Image Credit: Giesel Widmer)

I was not the most flexible in my training class, nor was I the strongest. One girl could do handstands practically on her fingertips. Another girl could hook her legs behind her head. Me? I was the grunting, gasping girl in the corner, all rounded back, and collapsing over sideways. I wasn't the most slender or serene-looking. My ujjayi breath was barely audible. I fidgeted in Easy pose. Down Dog hurt my shoulders after a few too many. I discovered I had been doing Tadasana all wrong for the past three years. I couldn't even stand properly.

So what was I going to feel when I saw pictures of these magnificent males and females contorting themselves into stunning straight lines, nary a bump or stomach roll in sight, holding themselves up effortlessly on the palms of their hands? Like shit. Yeah. It made me feel shitty, plain as that. Instead of being inspiring like how it is for quite a few co-trainees in my class, I could feel my heart sink and my cheeks flush in embarrassment. There is absolutely no way I'll ever let anyone see me blunder into that pose. I would think to myself. So I won't let them see. See, even though I went to a handful of yoga classes before my teacher training, I did a lot of home practice. Moreover, I rarely let anyone practice with me lest they see me in a less than stellar form. I was embarrassed. I felt kind of like a fraud. Here I was, saying "Yoga, yoga, yoga!" and what if I was actually doing everything wrong and had no idea?

Well, I kind of was, as evidenced by the whole Tadasana debacle, but so was everyone else. Imagine my shock when I discovered that all my co-trainees were no better or worse than me. They were all as good as they could be at that moment, and we all were slated for improvement. I had strengths in one area that I didn't in another, and another person had vice versa.

After two months straight of training, I was slightly more flexible and slightly stronger. I fit into my body better. I felt more comfortable in my skin, but I still retained a bit of that insecurity. Two months isn't enough to abolish years of conditioning you get from society. We were born in the age of Kate Moss. We watched celebrities like both Jennifer Connelly and Aniston go from pretty girls with full faces to skinny waifs. In short, there's a tremendous amount of worthless value being placed on specific bodies and looks that are not very attainable nor practical.

During my training, I gained a lot of confidence in my skills. I took my first yoga selfie and was shocked by how I looked. It wasn't what I expected at all. I looked good. More than good, I looked awesome! I did the pose right! There weren't any stomach rolls! Whaaaaaat? I felt brilliant about myself. I took more selfies, started doing scary poses that I kept falling out of in public, I stopped caring. Somewhere in there, I realized, who cares? All that mattered was that I was trying and I was improving with each trial. One day, I was going to get there.

Then, training was over. I became certified. Two months of all the yoga I could get was finished. #yogaeverydamnday wasn't true for me anymore. I was back in Cleveland where I didn't have a studio I called Home. Not only that, I went back, then I moved to Columbus. I was starting over for real. Everything from scratch. I had to find a studio I liked. I had to find a job. I had to make connections, network, meet people. I had to turn nothing into something. It was and still is a daunting and scary task, but little by little, I started chipping away at it. My training went from three-plus classes a day to three home practices a week if I was lucky. My joints were becoming creaky and my muscles were withering into floppy underarm hang. I felt like I was losing my strong Side-Crowing self.

Then, I picked up a couple back copies of Yoga Journal from the library for inspiration. They're great publications, really, but I did not expect my reaction after I finished reading. My old insecure self returned, thinking thoughts like "I can never get my legs that straight in the air," and "My abs are a joke, I can't hold myself up in Boat," and I started to panic. The insecurity took me over. In my mind, I was a fat, ugly, lumbering rhino who couldn't do a graceful Freebird anymore. All those emotions I had from when I avoided YogaSelfiesRUs rose up in me and I didn't like it. This wasn't who I've become, who I've earned the right to be after my training. This wasn't me, it never really was, and it never would be again.

So, I just let myself notice the pain. I felt it. I recognized it and identified it. I gave it time to go away on its own without fighting it or inflicting guilt on myself. I practiced ahimsa, nonviolence towards myself to get through a momentary breakdown. Today, I did another home practice. It's not back-to-back classes at Black Swan in Austin, but it was what I needed. With time, I'll be back to #yogaeverydamnday and I just need to be patient. I realize I have to give myself credit. Like I said, I'm starting from scratch and every accomplishment, no matter how tiny, is actually huge. As long as I maintain my practice and maintain the respect I give to myself, my mind, and my body, I will always be as beautiful as all those yogis in their selfies, even if I can't go from Crane into a handstand… yet.

I saw this posted on Facebook with a message: How do these photos of a woman doing yoga in the nude make you feel? At first, I was intimidated. She is beautiful and nearly perfect. I may never have a body like hers. I know I'll definitely never have boobs like her for sure. But despite that, I see it as an accurate depiction for who she is: someone who loves and has put time into her practice. Her love is so raw that she has to practice it at its barest. It's a exquisite example of a yogi's dedication. 

How does these photos make you feel? Luba Shumeyko Yoga- Nude Yoga- By Petter Hegre.

The Splendor in Surprising Scenery

There's something special about walking through the woods in that time between fall and winter. The summer greenery has faded. The bright vivid hues of the autumn leaves have crumbled into a flat, muted brown. The trees have become bare and the snow has yet to come and stick around. The scenery for lack of a better word, has become drab. The trees blend into the ground which blends back into the soft ebb and flow of the landscape. The sky is either overcast and grey or filled with the harsh brightness of the late year sun.

But this is part of the charm. Without heavy cover of the leaves and without the privacy of the bushes, it's like the curtains on the outskirts of the woods have opened up to the forest within. Like an old, antiquated house with the windows bare and yawning, you can now gaze at the treasures found within. A fallen oak tree stands center stage, its majestic girth leaving you in awe. The secret lives of the woodland critters have been exposed- a squirrel's every antic, a deer's peaceful foray, a twittering bird. That little brook is finally uncovered, babbling along and caressing rocks blanketed with moss. Each vivid burst of color whether it's the green living skin on a ledge or the flash of a bluebird is more valuable, more beautiful against the monotone background.

Usually you're by yourself. All the rest have retreated indoors to their homes or coffee shops or the mall. Each step you take is a new footprint on an unmarked path. The leaves crunch underneath. The chipmunk scurry past with a little less apprehension. As a tiny singular human body, you literally blend into the woodland, unnoticed by the wildlife, with only your breath to keep you company.

Hiking during this time of the year is seeing the same sight with a new perspective. A pink flower in the spring is beautiful, a green canopy in the summer is gorgeous, but can you find the splendor in a scene that wouldn't typically evoke a reaction? Go out to the woods today, see for yourself.

What did you find that is beautiful?

A Temporary Austinite

The Colorado River on my morning run

It's been a week since I've arrived in Austin and I've basically hit the ground running. Week one of Yoga Teacher Training is complete, my body hates me, but my mind wants more: "Moooaaaar!" That's a good thing right? My shoulders disagree.

So to fill up all of my non-yoga time and believe me, there's a lot of it, I've been trying to explore the city. It's large and slightly overwhelming. I am definitely not a city girl though the potential to become one is very, very good. I knew I would like Austin when I got here, but I didn't think I'd like it this much. To be honest, it just feels kind of normal to be here. Like Cinderella's foot in her slipper, I slipped right in. 

I'm a lover not a loner, though, and there's something to be said about the ease and comfort of good old friends you already know. While I've met so many amazing people so far, there's still the whole process of 'getting to know you, do I like you, will you like me, will we mesh or are we just different levels of weird that we'll never figure out a common ground?' and it's onerous. I'm not going to lie. Plus, I think that "re-joining" the hearing world has sent me for a loop. I feel somewhat spoiled that I've created a huge friend-family of deaf people and people who know ASL that when I go back to lip-reading and trying really hard to keep up with conversations in loud acoustically-unfriendly rooms, I'm lost. I don't know how I've managed to do this for so long before I discovered the deaf community and really, I can't remember how I did it.

I have faith though. Practically everyone is a transplant to Austin so they all have this general accepting vibe and willingness to help the newbies. It's pretty awesome because coming from a place where everyone knew each other for ages, I felt like I could start over. Try on different versions of myself and see what I like. No one's here to judge or to say, "That's not who you are." I'm making myself who I am and I like it so far. Plus, the rate of normalcy that people treat doing things alone is astounding. It's nice to not be gawked at so much.

I just keep telling myself, "Look, you got into a car with nothing but a bag to drive 22 hours all by yourself to go take Yoga Teacher Training at a school you've never even been to in a new city full of strangers. If you got this far, you have no choice but to go further."

"To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive - the risk to be alive and express what we really are."
-The Four Agreements; Don Miguel Ruiz 

New Perspective on Global Warming

I found this and just had to share:

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At first, I thought, "Cool!" then I realized the implications of that. I know there are people out there who don't believe in global warming (why?) but it's hard to deny the evidence has been piling up for a long time. I won't get into that quite just yet, but it's coming.

Granted everyone hears the same things: the Arctic ice cap is melting, glaciers are disappearing, general temperatures are rising, warmer than average months are breaking records, etc., etc., etc., which is why I love this new perspective on global warming. Most of the millenials and the generations after (i.e. those born between early 80's through early 2000's) have pretty much never experienced a colder than average month. That includes me. Is it bad I'm secretly happy because I hate winter? Anyway, just because I hate snow doesn't mean I'm jumping for joy that we're all becoming warmer and warmer.

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We have all become comfortable with the idea of global warming. We hear about it nearly every day. We know that waste of any kind contributes to global warming; for most of us, recycling and finding environmentally-friendly products is second nature. However, there's a line and it seems like that unless we all move into grass-thatched huts and figure out how to create heat without wasting resources, it can seem like a battle with no defeat.

I didn't write this to make you feel like shit, though I certainly am feeling a bit down while posting this. Just think of it this way, if there weren't such a great movement towards saving the environment and halting global warming, imagine how much worse off we'd be right now. The only thing we can do is continue to do the little things to improve our efforts. 

They can be as simple as:

1. Covering your pots while cooking to save energy needed to prepare food.
2. Buying energy efficient appliances when it's time to replace them.
3. Using the washing machine and dishwasher only when it's completely full.
4. Recycling in your home and outside. (So easy to toss that paper coffee cup.)
5. Planting a tree, a plant, anything.
6. Buy locally whether it's food, household goods, or anything else.
7. Eat less meat. (You knew that was coming.)
8. Try to reduce the amount of heat you use whether it's heating your home or heating your shower.

A simple Google search for "little things to prevent global warming" will yield tons of ideas and tips that will help you live better and breathe easier.

It's not hopeless and the more we're aware of what we need to do and the more we encourage others to do the same- whether they're believers in global warming or not (again, why?)- the more we're likely to make a difference. I am a vegetarian because I believe in animal rights. An animal shouldn't die just so I could have a meal, especially since there are tons of other things I can eat that are just as nutritious and satisfying. People would tell me that being one single vegetarian in a "world" of meat-eaters isn't going to make a difference. For me, though, the fact that one less cow is eaten because of me makes all the difference. If we could all see things the same way about global warming, vegetarianism, whatever you prefer, it will make a huge difference, whether other people say so or not.

What do you do to combat global warming and help the environment?